Letters to Celebs

The Media WANTS me to care, so...

The Ass and a Trail of Husbands

Dear Ben,

The media algorithm tells me I should care. But alas...

I mean, you had the ass that made a legion swoon and to top it off she was the stuff of anti aging mythology. And you had her twice. The kicker... You dumped the much younger Ana to rekindle the possibility of what was and could be again (for a little while).

I'll let you in on a secret Ben. We out here, the small folk of work and toil, we all knew that it was doomed to fail. And pardon my assumption... I think you knew it too. You can blame it on the alcohol but you know she is a man eater.

For is it the ass that makes a gentle home or the ego that has discarded a trail of men through the decades as it sashays to fame? I think you know the answer.

I'm sure you'll land on your feet Ben. You're rich and powerful. You’ve got some good years left if you play your cards right. Give Leo a call. Wait… First, hide your daughters, then give Leo a call. I’m sure he can set you up with an early 20 something to take your mind off that golden ass.

-You’ve already Ben there and done that.

If you FAILED at Batman, You’ll FAIL at President

Dear Mr. Clooney,

Word on the street is that you are angling for a political position under the Cackling Queen of Blowjobs, should she be able to cheat and steal the 2024 election. I urge caution in this matter. Not because she won’t bestow upon you some title of honor but because the crazy bitch isn’t used to being on top.

You’re manipulations have only gone to her head, much like the brain freeze she gets as she slurps on her surplus of stored cold cum Popsicle’s. I fear her sheer fucking hubris will cause blow back (half hearted pun intended) to your political intentions that you should abandon immediately.

Why you ask?

You once killed the Batman franchise. Those geeks do NOT forget. Do you really think they will give a failed Batman a vote? Holy fucking shit Clooney, you must be crazy.

My advice. Run. Run as fast as you can from that mad cackling whore. Save your movie career while you’ve still got one to save.

-If you refuse to listen, give her knee pads to soften the blow (again… Pun Intended).

Fatten Her Up You Man-Slave

Dear Travis Kelce,

When you and TayTay end… She’ll have at least 2 to 3 albums worth of material that we the people will be subjected to. For the love of God, knock her up and be her man-slave. Take one for the team so we’ll never have to hear another song by her again. This is the best way for you to serve humanity.

-Feed her muse the BonBons.