Chaos in the Mind

A slice from the day that was.

I was tearing down 285 East at 90 MPH with chaos in my head. Don't worry, that's an average speed compared to the semi trucks pretending to be horizontal rockets on that highway. But damn it all, it sounds fast. Never mind the granny on the Harley with the leather jacket that said, "Lick it Right, Sugar," doing 120, blue hair whipping in the wind from under her helmet, her tit's like pontoons separated by the force of that wind. It felt fast for an SUV even with granny smoking me, and besides, chaos.

I was jetting across the city to help the in -laws get their internet back up. It was most likely an unplug it and re-plug it in situation but technology and seniors don't mix. My internal ageism, more on that hypocrisy to come. The chaos in my head was because I was going to hit the rush hour that starts at about 4pm and I wanted to try and beat it. Being stuck in rush hour is the same as minutes of life being flicked into the void. You sit there going slow as your life unravels in real time. It leaves you time to think. Then chaos starts playing with those thoughts.

Things haven't been going swimmingly in the tech writer job hunt. Interviewing for positions when I still can't figure out if I really want to do tech writing anymore, leads to a personal evaluation from within. The fact that the people I'm speaking to are all late 20's or younger and I can see it in their eyes that the older dude just won't fit into their culture, another form of chaos. You don't have to be a senior to deal with ageism. I told you we’d come to it. I can see ageism in play with every inquisition I take part in. It’s not a great feeling when the 20 something holds all the cards and we all know how those 20 something think about generations that are older. It ain’t with R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

I really hate the tech sector and pretty much everything to do with it. The mentality is fucked up. Half ass products as fast as they can be half assed out the door. The entire sector is half assed. You are nothing but a cog in the wheel with maybe 3 people at the top of the pyramid that control everything and dictate the course. There’s very little creativity in technology unless you are in the driver’s seat. Welcome to being a tech cog.

I want to do something important with my writing but I’d like to make money doing it. That’s the great puzzle. The great riddle to decipher. How to make writing work for me and pay me too. Tech writing is soulless but pays good. Gonzo and fiction writing are freeing but pay shit unless you have an audience that wants to keep reading your words and that audience is willing to pay you to keep writing. Most people are no longer willing to pay for words. You can thank technology, the internet, and the ad economy for this. To most people, writing should be subsidized by “someone else”.

So there I was, 90 MPH down to 9 MPH, and all that time for a soul sucking Atlanta rush hour to let chaos rattle around in my brain. It’s times like these that I sometimes wish I hadn’t stopped drinking. Don’t get cute, I don’t mean drinking and driving. I mean, letting the alcohol silence the chaos. Nyquil abuse just doesn’t have the same effect… I digress.

I was playing Faderhead and one of his songs (Someone Else’s Dreams) came on where the chorus was, “Someone’s always living someone else’s dream.” This is true. Some people fall into things that they wouldn’t be doing otherwise and those things are things that someone else wishes they could be do instead of the shit they are currently doing. Unfortunately, life is in large part luck and being in the right place at the right time. Sure, skill has a part to play but if you really look at it, luck is a big part of the dynamic.

We grind, we push forward, we write, we put words out… Hopefully something catches on. Hopefully something is the hook that leads to something big. Hell, if a hack writer like Stephen fucking King can make millions then why not?

Oh… By the way… It was just a matter of unplugging the router and the modem and then re-plugging them in. Problem solved.

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